Images glance across 60,000 lenses of the dragonfly,
three hundred and sixty degrees of life flooding his brain;
speed is his native mother.
Two solid humans, slow as stone,
are a temporary blockade along the summer path:
he is the first of the season.
Four booted feet grind the solitary face of the hillside,
his earthy walls settling with a grumble in their wake;
centuries have composed his profile.
These hikers, fluttering like insects around his ears,
are just two more witnesses to his ageless wisdom:
he is always the last one standing.
Thousands of thoughts break from the two companions,
a valley of possibilities springing from the summit ahead;
human life is so linear.
This moment, hanging like a star on Orion's belt,
proves that time is subject to the beating of hearts:
they are the meridian of a lifetime.
**Okay, I post these for two reasons: 1) to share my thoughts and 2) for help in accomplishing the goals of my individual writing pieces.
SO. If you could let me know what you got out of this poem, that would be wonderful. For example:
"I didn't understand what the point of stanza #__ was. When you said _____________, did you mean ___________? I don't get it, is it day or night?" Et cetera.
Thank you!
-Stacy
About Me
- Stacy Emmons
- I'm a young LDS woman, just graduated from BYU-Idaho. I'm married to the man of my dreams and we have a little boy due in October. We're working hard and living on love!
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When You Said Goodbye - Re-recorded13 years ago
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8 comments:
Stacy, I love the scale changes from the dragon fly, with speed his native mother, to the hiking humans, to the ageless wisdom of the last one standing.
And yet, a heart beat, in all that seemingly endless scale is the center of it all.
I'll be thinking of you every time an insect (or a hill) passes this summer.
Thank you! A most excellent gift!
So, I really enjoyed reading this one. From my own life experiences, background, and perspectives - this is what I read:
An outside commentary or observation from a dragonfly's perspective, the earth's, and the hiker's.....a reflection on each one's existance and world view....a very clear picture was created for me with an equally clear view of the object's awareness....I really enjoyed reading this.
Thanks!!!
I really enjoy all the imagery that you use. It makes your writing very enjoyable!
Overall I liked this poem. I will say that some of the word choices could be tweaked to give more perspective from the dragonfly. I found "native mother" a bit off kilter. I get what you were going for, but I didn't think that word choice conveyed the idea in the best way.
I like vagueness, soo... take my comments with that in mind.
I would remove "of the" from the first line; "is" from the second - so it would be "speed his native mother". For him being fast and you emphasizing that, the line could move quicker. "Slow as stone" gives me pause, mostly because stone isn't really slow - it's perfectly still or absorbing or something. I can't think of the word. Ponderous. Thick. "Two solid humans"... could be alliterative if you could change "humans" to something that starts with "s". And is he the first path of the season? I mean, I know what you're saying, but it sounds like he's the first path.
Earthy walls! <3! "Centuries have composed his profile" - passive voice. Maybe change it to something like "Profile composed in centuries" or "Centuries composed in his profile"... yeah. You get the gist. :)
I'm digging the : then thought at the end of each stanza. Just btw.
"These hikers, fluttering like" - maybe "These hikers flutter like insects... / two witnesses more of his ageless..." ?
"Valley of possibilities" feels pretty abstract from the tactile, solid images you've been giving me. I like the line "time is subject to the beating of hearts" a lot. However, as the reader, I don't feel a great epiphany when I come to that line. It's not like the rest of your poem set me up for that specific observation. I do like it, but yes.
Okay, so you *did* say to be brutal. :) Overall, I like it quite a bit! Grind it out if you want to, and I hope nothing I said came across as gruff or whatever. I hope you know how I meant them. :)
Ok, so I'm not a great poetic analyzer, but here goes.
My favorite part is the ending,
"This moment, hanging like a star on Orion's belt, proves that time is subject to the beating of hearts:
they are the meridian of a lifetime." It pulled together the whole thing for me. Different scales, different perspectives, different times- all colliding in one moment.
I love the imagery of the "hikers fluttering like insects." It helps to form the same picture in a totally new perspective. Suddenly the earth became the focus instead of the background, in my mind.
I don't understand the line "speed is his native mother" though.
Its great Stace!
The message that I get is first, the frailty (and by that I also mean fleeting) of the dragonfly next to human life compared to the frailty of human life next to the earth. Second, is the notion that time rules the mortal life.
My favorite lines are 1 and 2 in the 1st verse (forgive my music term), the entire 2nd verse, and 3,4 and 5 of the 3rd verse.
I was a little unsure what the word "solid" meant in the first verse.
I loved it! Reminded me a little bit of Stephenie Meyer's description of what it's like to be immortal in Breaking Dawn.
Like others, I liked the line about the hikers "fluttering like insects around HIS ears" (emphasis added). That's such a great reversal of our human perspective.
I'm not really into critiquing other people's poetry since I believe poetry doesn't live by the rules and is highly personal. So I honestly wouldn't change anything in your poem. It was delightful, much better than Kafka's The Metamorphosis. :-)
Like Robert Frost said, "Poetry should begin in delight and end in wisdom." You struck that mark.
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